If you ever want to know how much you do or don’t mean to someone, move.
Since moving to Canada and marrying my husband, my life has been infinitely better. My stress levels have been immensely reduced. I’m healthy. Hell, I’m actually happy. I can’t recall a period of time in my life prior to this where I was genuinely happy. It’s nice to finally feel comfortable in life. Sure finances could be better and it’d be nice for it to be less of a struggle for my husband to get time with his children. But in the grand scheme of things, my life is pretty stress free by comparison. It’s given me a lot of focus and ability to evaluate things that are important to me.
Of all of the people I thought I was close to in the US, only three people put forth as much effort into our relationship as I do: my dad, my old boss, and the friend I gave a surprise visit to last month. That’s it. I have one other friend that moved to Georgia a couple years prior to my moving here. We touch base on occasion in the same frequency that we always have since she moved first, so I suppose she counts too. Beyond that? I’ve found that I mean a lot less to others than they did to me. It was a harsh reality to face. I realized there were people that I tried to nurture and continue friendships with that it was only me trying. The last few weeks I stopped being the first one to reach out to those I cared about. Did many notice? Nope.
What’s frustrating is all of these people are on social media. I see them active in Messengers, posting statuses or whatever, but can’t take 5 minutes to simply say hi. It hurt figuring out that I wasn’t worth 5 minutes to many people. Especially since most of them knew about my father’s recent grim medical diagnosis. No one bothered to check up on it. And I guess when your self absorbed, narcissistic, asshole of a dad cares more about you than some of the people you’ve poured your heart and soul into, it makes you realize that maybe it’s time to stop clinging to what once was and embrace the present and bravely move forward.
Its tough. I’m a creature of habit. I always thought that I hated change, but moving to another country was a huge one. Getting married was a big change. Changing jobs – twice – were major. Maybe letting go of people who don’t show the same kind of care to me that I have to them is a change I need to embrace too. I still have the aforementioned couple of people back home that care for me. I have a great family here (albeit by marriage.) And I’ve started making new friends too.
Maybe moving forward isn’t so scary after all.