Passive Aggressive Bullshit

“‘Cause maybe some day I’ll walk away and say ‘You fucking disappoint me.’  Maybe we’re better off this way.”
Passive –  A Perfect Circle

Over the last few days people have come out of the woodworks in order to contact me.  People I haven’t seen or heard from in two decades or more.

While I can appreciate people thinking of me to finally reach out, it’s all so strange.

I don’t know what you want from me.  I don’t know what you want me to say.  I don’t know how to comfort you.  And I don’t want to.

It’s nothing against you.  I just don’t have comfort to give.  I don’t have compassion for the woman who has put you in a state of grief.

I left for a reason.  I stopped talking to her for a reason.  I haven’t been there for 8 years for a reason.  Do you even know the reason?

It was never because I was some rebellious kid angry at her parent.  And honestly it wasn’t even because of me.  I didn’t care anymore about what happened to me.  It’s not always about ourselves.

Did you know she had a son?

So many didn’t.

What did she tell you?  What did she tell you about my departure?  What did she tell you about her son?  You know what, I don’t want to know.  She fabricated so much.  So many lies.

22 years prior to her death, on the same date, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.  One that she neglected his special  needs.  One that she abused.  One that she didn’t care for.  One that I couldn’t have a relationship with after she lost custody of him because I didn’t want to upset his life.  Because I didn’t want him to bear the burden of knowing that he had a mother that didn’t give a fuck about him.

You see, I may have forgiven her for the things that I endured.  But her son deserved none of her evil ways.

I can’t even tell you that I’m sorry for your loss.  I try to never wish bad things on others.  But I can’t tell you that I’m sorry for your loss because it would be a lie.  The woman you think you knew and the woman I grew up with are two vastly different people.

You knew what she wanted you to see.  I knew a monster.  A monster with no conscience.  A monster who never had to face the consequences of her actions.

A monster that didn’t deserve the peace that death brings.

I already mourned the loss of my mother.  Not the woman, but the figure.  I didn’t have what the rest of you took for granted.  So please don’t expect me to partake in your grief.  I already walked that road.

“But how could this have happened?”  I’m sorry, but have you met my mother?  She set herself up for this fatal ending.  She knew the risks when she went down the paths she wanted to go down.

May you find the strength to deal with whatever this is.
I’ll stick to my passive aggressive bullshit, thanks.

 

 

 

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