“Have you blogged lately?” my darling husband asked, after a seemingly restless evening. He doesn’t read my blog much (not that anyone does,) so it meant a lot to me that he noticed that I hadn’t put many thoughts down as of late. I felt oddly heard? Noticed? Acknowledged? It felt good that he’d asked about something that I’d been doing… or haven’t for that matter.
I’ve been pretty stressed out lately.
I’m not as happy as I once was with my work situation. I mean it’s a far cry from the job I had before that made me come home in tears every day. But the back and forth back and forth just isn’t okay. Re-negotiations on my pay scales, approved overtime to work on special projects no longer available because a part timer person will just be brought in to take on some of my regular tasks so that I can focus on something else that has nothing to do with our company. Not enough staffing to be able to take a sick day when I can barely breathe. Worrying about if there’s going to be enough money in the bank in a few months to be able to pay all of the expenses. That should be a personal problem, not a professional problem. Overtime that was supposed to be paid out weekly in the new year turned into time-in-lieu instead…..trying to figure out how to take 6 weeks off from work between said time in lieu + vacation time. It just sucks ’cause the bossman is an excellent person and has helped our family out a great deal. But when it comes to workflow, everything is in shambles. If I were single without stepchildren, maybe I wouldn’t care as much, but my marriage and my relationships with my husband’s children are more important to me than that.
Which brings me to my next point of stress. Being a step parent sucks sometimes. It’s wonderful because it’s filled a little bit of a void I’ve had on the kid front. After having 5 miscarriages and not being able to have children of my own, I sometimes struggle with knowing I’m an amazing parent and that I have a lot to contribute to a tiny life…..it’s just that I can’t bring that life into this world. It sucks because something that happened before me dictates part of my current life. It sucks more because I don’t directly have a voice in the matter; thankfully my husband stands his ground now and voices what’s best for all involved, even in the face of objection.
Over the last 2 years, my step kids’ bio mom hasn’t given me the time of day. I’ve tried to put many different olive branches out there and have tried to bridge the gap. I’ve gone out of my way to try to not cross boundaries and to put a hard divide between mom and step mom. I know that I’m not her favorite person. I know that she has certain insecurities. And that’s okay. But what’s not okay is not giving another human being a certain degree of common courtesy, then just inviting yourself over to interact with them. I’m sorry, if you can’t so much as say hello to me in a public place, you have no business trying to integrate yourself into my life. I’m thankful that he told her no. I’m thankful that he stood up for me. I wish I could stand up for myself, though.
Anywho, these things have been weighing on me. Plus being sick hasn’t helped. The kids were sick, then I had a fit of allergy madness, then my husband got sick and is getting over the crud, but now the kids are back and one of them is sick…again…. I swear they’re always sick. Sometimes it just feels like there’s always something, and no amount of self care really helps alleviate the stress. So that’s sorta where I’m at right now and the reason for the lack of blogging. Hopefully soon I’ll snap out of it and will have the mental capacity to write on a regular basis again.